The Pet Shop Sketch and Other Nonsense

This week, I had the mother of all strange and rude complaints. A patron, who we will call Franklin, for a sense of clarity later in the story, came to the desk and wished to complain. I put on my happy face and braced for the bizarre. I've had a cornucopia of assorted and varied complaints come to me from overflowing toilets to a vehement dislike of the new library website, so I'm never really excited when a patron wishes to register a complaint. Franklin, our complaining patron, launched into a description of a homeless man on the third floor who was "really smelly and loud". I, being aware of exactly which man he described, as he passes through the library frequently, was a little confused. I knew that this man was indeed pretty pungent smelling from personal experience, but he was usually very quite and studious. Franklin then told me that he "didn't think it was fair that [he] have to share the library with him because [Franklin] was paying for it and he wasn't". He went on to dig himself deeper into the pit of my disapproval by rattling on about him not deserving to be in the library. I explained that the building was a meant for public use and that I couldn't remove the man simply because he was homeless. I did promise to look into the noise complaint, which I did a few minutes later, though I found no noisy person on all of the third floor, homeless or otherwise. I also threw in the fact that Franklin's student fees did not pay for the whole of the library and that paying fees didn't entitle him to decide who stayed and who went. After this explanation, Franklin demanded to file a formal complaint, my action apparently not sufficient, and I gave him my boss' business card. I noticed, as he walked away, that Franklin was clutching a Bible in his had. I think Jesus said something about being nice to people...

This got me thinking about the Pet Shop Sketch (aka The Dead Parrot Sketch) from Monty Python I recited and watched several times over the course of my BBC-influenced childhood. Those of you who have not seen this sketch, I have embedded the video for your viewing delight. To summarize, a man attempts to return a parrot that is in fact, stone dead. "I wish to register a complaint..." never leads to happy places for the person on the other end.

Why must many of the patrons I deal with think that because they register a complaint, no matter how ludicrous or borderline discriminatory, the "problem" will just go away or be changed in their favor. If the homeless man had been vocally disruptive or violent, I would have stepped in immediately, as is my job, but did Franklin honestly believe that his complaint would elicit a response of gathering torches and pitchforks to expel the homeless man to the curb? As far as weird, non-student patron's are concerned, the man in question is one patron that I rarely worry about having problems with. He's actually polite and soft spoken and always says "good afternoon" to me. He also is not a patron who stays until we peel them from the desks and push them out the door. As for the smell complaint, if I removed every person that was aromatic, I would be kicking people out right and left. Whether it's the guy who is wearing a gallon of bad aftershave or the girl who just came from a PE class, there are lots of pungent people on campus.

Moral of the Story: Don't judge a book by it's cover and don't be a jerk. Nobody likes a jerk.

Thanks for reading and remember: don't fold down the pages of your library books.

I've Always Looked Like That

Every week I get people trying to use ID cards that are not theirs. The thing that surprises me is the fact that people think I don't notice that a 6'1" guy is not in fact the 5'6" woman in the picture on her ID card. "Hmm...you don't seem to look like you have highlighted blonde hair and sparkly lip gloss." The fact that they get upset when I stop them, is what really gets me. I think if the University really wanted students to swap IDs like baseball cards, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't include an ID.

The following reason patrons have actually given me as why they don't seem to match up with the picture:

• "My girlfriend/boyfriend is just upstairs. What's the big deal?"
• "My dad works here and I have a huge fine, so can't I just use his?"
• "I've lost my ID card and I didn't bring any other photo ID, so my buddy said I could borrow his."

Reactions to my negative response in the mild identity theft department ranges from a "oh, I didn't know" to "you guys are a bunch of jerks for making me do this". I don't like to check IDs but I've had too many patrons that have "borrowed" their roommates cards to not stop people from doing it. I've also had plenty of claimed returned items that go something like "I never checked this out. Maybe my roommate stole my card".

Moral of the Story: Be smart enough to not use someone's ID, especially if you look nothing like them. The photos are to protect you. You'd want me to stop you if someone used your driver's license or passport if it wasn't you, wouldn't you?

Thanks for reading and remember: don't fold down the pages of your library books.